Last night was rough. The kind of rough that sits heavy in your chest, like something too sharp and too soft all at once. A conversation with my partner spiraled into accusations, defensiveness, and a tangled knot of miscommunication. But today, I’m not here to point fingers or drag anyone through the emotional mud. I’m here to look in the mirror, name what I saw, and name what I’m choosing to do differently.
Because patterns repeat until we learn the lesson.
The Pattern I’m Seeing
There’s this emotional loop I’ve begun to recognize in myself and in some of my closest relationships. It goes something like this:
- I express an emotion—sometimes carefully, sometimes clumsily.
- My partner feels blamed, even when I’ve taken care to frame it gently.
- They react with frustration, accusations, or contempt.
- I feel unseen and unheard.
- I get hurt, try to explain, and feel like I’m talking to a wall.
- We both walk away feeling like the other person is the villain.
Sound familiar? If it does, you’re not alone. I’ve lived this pattern before, and it nearly destroyed a relationship with someone I still co-parent with today.
Back then, I pushed boundaries and justified my actions because I felt hurt. I didn’t know how to take responsibility without feeling like I was betraying myself. He didn’t assert himself, and when he finally did, I didn’t know how to handle it. That created a cycle of hurt we never truly healed until it was too late.
And now, I see the same wounds playing out again—but this time, I’m doing the work.
What I’m Learning
This time, I’ve committed to:
- Speaking from a place of curiosity instead of accusation
- Letting go of the need to be right
- Holding my ground and my compassion
- Recognizing when I’m being blamed or when my feelings are being minimized
- Choosing not to respond to deflection with more deflection
Because this isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about breaking a cycle.
What Emotional Safety Looks Like to Me
When I feel safe, I can:
- Express my emotions without fear of being blamed or shamed
- Hear someone else’s pain without losing sight of my own
- Stay soft even when things get hard
I’ve shared this with my partner. I told him what I need to feel heard and supported:
- A calm tone
- Questions that show curiosity, not assumptions
- Reflections that show he’s listening, not just waiting to respond
- Accountability without deflection
And to his credit—he listened. He asked how he could better hear and understand me. That alone felt like oxygen.
Where This Leaves Us
I don’t know what will happen next. But I do know this: I will continue to practice good boundaries, speak with clarity and kindness, and hold myself accountable. If that inspires growth, we’ll grow together. If it inspires fear or flight, then I will bless his path and let him walk it.
Because we all take ourselves with us when we go. The pattern won’t change until we choose to change it.
And I choose to change it.
With love, Tea 🍵
Cosmic Tea 